BFN.
If you don't know what that stands for, then you haven't been living the life that we have the past 15 months. Big fat negative. And I don't mean "negative" in regards to a crappy attitude, although it has a tendency to influence the mood. Negative in regards to HPT (home pregnancy tests). I think I have peed on more sticks the past 15 months, than a bear in the woods. I have charted temperatures, "the stuff that comes out down there" (yes, Mother. I did just say that), cramps, no cramps, sex (yup, said that too), and exercise routines. I have researched the miracle process of conception. A process that Aaron and I both have gained so much respect for. We've watched "The Incredible Sperm Race" video on youtube (it's amazing) and Aaron knows more about "the stuff that comes out down there" than a male, who doesn't have "Dr." preceding his name, should. We have watched and celebrated those around us, who started working towards having families after we did, bring their babies home from the hospitals and announce their BFP (big fat positives) with heavy hearts. We have wondered "When the hell is it going to be our turn?!" We learned that there are sticks out there to tell you when you are ovulating (I know, I am getting too technical for some people) and we have spent more on Digital OPKs than I have on Miss Me jeans (OK, that's a lie). I have found websites that support the trying to conceive process (fertilityfriend.com) and women who honestly know what it feels like, to be on a TTC roller coaster. We have met with doctors and driven roughly 35 hours to figure out what's going on. I have been pricked with needles and scanned with scanny-things and answered personal questions that I never thought I would know the answers to. And now for the truly emotional draining part.
I have felt the sting of not feeling adequate enough to do what my biology and DNA says I should be able to do. I have experienced the emotional upheaval feeling that I will never be good enough to do whatever everyone else around me, seems to be able to do quite normally. We have been asked countless times "When are you two going to have kids?" or "You're such a natural! When are you going to have your own?!" I have had to bit my sarcastic cynical tongue and not responded with "Well, first off. It's none of your damn business that my hormones are so out of whack, not even medications seem to be helping. Yet, as if I need more crazy in my life, the medications pump MORE hormones in me, so I'm as happy as an Irishmen on St. Patricks Day. Yes, I know I am a natural and that is what burns the most. Thank you."
Women who experience infertility are not suppose to talk about it. It's almost like it's our dirty little secret and that we should feel guilty that we aren't able to look at our husbands and partners and POOF be pregnant. We should just "relax" and have "lots of sex". I can tell you, you can't fight hormonal numbers. No amount of "relaxing" will alleviate that. Getting advice from everyone else, although it truly does come from a good place, only complicates and pisses women who are experiencing infertility off more. I think by the time that you meet with doctors, that you kind of "get" the sex=baby process. We get that sex "should" equal baby. We just have, for some reason, issues in getting the sperm and egg to be cool with each other. You go through so many emotions when trying to conceive that I feel more like a hormonal teenager than a 28 year old house wife.
What stings more for me, is that I was pregnant before. It was not planned, in "my plan". The timing was not right for me or the father. But, the timing was right for Colton's adoptive parents and family. I hated being pregnant, because it was "such an inconvenience" for me. It totally wrecked my dating life and clothing budget (maternity clothes are not cheap). My running routine was put on hold and I had to resort to, snore, walking. I despised that child, when I first found out. How could this happen to me?! This is unfair. And now?????
All we want is to have our social life wrecked and as far as my clothing budget, I can explain those charges to Aaron :) Hell, I'd even make a bet with God to wear a moo-moo throughout the pregnancy, if that's what it would take. But, we don't know what it'll take for us. We're still learning. And waiting. And praying. And cursing. And crying. And screaming in our cars. And throwing random things. And burying our heads in our hands as we sob. And leaning on each other and those in our intimate inner circle who have been amazing to us and never critiqued, only supported.
The point of this blog was selfish, I have to admit. I needed to vent this out. This is how I grieve and work through the emotions that have been pulling at me, specifically these past several months. And to show that getting pregnant is not easy for everyone and if you're one of those people that is beautifully does come easy for, give thanks quietly and realize that it's not the same for everyone else. Us girls who are on "medically stimulated cycles" do not want your pity or your sorrow. We only want you to be informed and educated about the other side of fertility. If you're a male reading this may God give you graces for reading this. If only one person reading this can relate and can gain strength from our fertility blessings, then I do not feel crazy for putting my business out here. This side of fertility MUST be known and talked about. There is nothing wrong with our bodies. We are beautiful creatures, working through this beautiful process taking a different route than what's considered "traditional".
Here is to pushing through God's plan and accepting that, as an amazing women recently told me, our perfect child is still out there, waiting for us.
