Saturday, April 21, 2012

"The month that gives me the most ups and downs..."

I'll admit it, April is probably the winner of my "The month that gives me the most ups and downs", if that were a legit contest. Spring, in general, is a time that is the epitomy of bittersweet for this HV County farmers daughter. Perhaps I should have a sign/trendy V-neck baseball tee that I wear everyday in April that forwarns of said emotional ups and downs. As I laid in bed last night, the one question I kept asking myself was "When will I not be affected by this damn month....", and I realized (as I usually do) that I'll never be "over it". 

Because I am not suppose to ever just "get over it". It's all about coping skills and allowing the pain, exctiement, nerves, frustration to wash over me. Not let it consume me, though, in a pit of self pity and selflishness.  I falter on that one, a lot. I would never take back that moment on April 29, 2009 when I gave birth to Colton. Never would I go back on my decision to choose adoption for Colton. Never. But that doesn't mean that my heart breaks over and over and over in April. I wonder when will the pain stop? When will I not want to close my eyes and let hot tears swell when I think back to that month, 3 years ago. I remember walking out of my office on April 27, 2009 and knowing that in less than 24 hours, I would start the final phase of the time that I had left with Colton.  I was anxious, naturally seeing my that ankles were squish-squish-squish when I walked and my body was less "runner proof" and more "maternity full on". As I walking through Cardwell to my car, I saw a red cardinal.

Big whoop to the normal Kansanan (sadly, I have not seen ONE cardinal living out here). After my Grandma Bergkamps, perhaps the thriftiest of thrify Depression-era woman, passed away, I saw a cardinal outside my parents house. I made a prayer to Grandma that everytime I would see a cardinal, I would take that as her prescence to me. A gentle reminder that she's there and she's never leaving and to pick up strength from her prescence and carry on. To say that Celestine was a warrior, is an understatment. When ever you want to think of stauch stubborn German Catholic women, you can just think of Celestine. Seeing that cardinal that day, that anxious day, was such a relief to me.  I knew that if Grandma were alive to ask her opinion on my decison, she would support it 110%, because the life that I was giving Colton would be so much more than I could have provided him, at that moment in my life. She would have reminded me to do what is best for that child, and ignore what you want for yourself.

No matter how heartbreaking and painful it was for me. And still is.

What's the point of this post? I'm still trying to figure that out; I think I just wanted to write about how each of us have those bitter months/days. It may be the anniversary of someones who was near to us passing from this earth. For me, it was the "handing of the torch", to Coltons parents that day in April.  I had done the best that I could with him, in our 9 months together, and now it was his parents turn to take the reins.  And I could not have handed the reins over to a better family. 

So to those of you who have bitter months or days or weeks in your lives, I join you in our journey of wading through the emotions that tie us to those close to us, for however long you had them in your life. Whether it was 50 years, 12 years, or 9 months.

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