Saturday, March 30, 2013

on to 21

Holy Week might as well had been coined "Hell Week", in our house growing up.  Like good Catholics, we attended mass Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. For those who are not Catholic, Holy Week servcies/mass last for.e.ver. When we were in college, my sisters and I came home not very much during Easter. I wonder why.

It seems that every major holiday has held some bitterness for Aaron and I on this journey. Every Christmas and Thanksgiving only brought forced family/social times and little heartbreaks, that Aaron and I carried silently. Easter, this year by the will of God, is no exception.

Typing that only brings hot tears. And anger. And biterness. And betryal. And more anger. And a knot in the throat. How am I suppose to praise, devote and be a loyal Christian, when I feel abandoned?  I feel that Aaron and I's desire are ignored. Yet, I still need to "trust in the Lord's plan"?! Excuse me?! I'd be fine with a little trust in whatever is coming "down the pipes", but after 20 months of emotional breaking, I'm losing steam in the "trusting in the plan" bit. 

Yes, I could be paralyzed or have a fatal illness. But, then with that, I would know what the problem is and not mindlessly wondering through injections, blood work, ultra sounds, more blood work, pill poppin', false hopes, etc.

We've made more trips to Denver in the past month, than we had in the past two years living here. And it's only going to increase. I know the journey will be worth it, but for the first time, I am wondering if the ending is what I thought it would be.  I chucked running, per regard of our specialist. However, as of Easter Sunday, I am strapping back on my Asics and hititng the ground again. Because that's the only way I know how to work through stress/anger/pain/hurt/anger. 

"What are you going to do if you can't have more children and here you are, giving up this one?": Haunts me.

I didn't realize the gift that I took for granted.  I see women toting their children around and their growing bellies and I wonder "Do you even realize the hell others have to go through to have that?" Yes, I have been given so much. I understand that and am thankful. I have one kick ass husband who has supported me through this trip.  I have the best social circle of friends this side of the Mississippi. I love my "hick town". 

I just want to share our blessed life with our own children. 

This post is scattered everywhere. And I do not need pity or pious advice. I just needed to type.